Why do you think it’s so hard for people to say they’re sorry?

Eddie, I've been told I'm a pretty good guy to work for. If one of my folks makes a mistake, I make it a point to make sure they understand why it's important not to do *that* again. Everyone's human, and the point is to minimize mistakes as much as possible. If you look at the mistakes Snowy made, there are good reasons for all of those things to be done that way, and I'm sure that Snowy can tell us exactly why.

If one of my folks had your attitude and "stood up for themselves", that's when they're in for the long, miserable ride. If you can't admit that you made a mistake and accept responsibility for it, that's a problem. Like I said, I expect mistakes to happen. It's when the same ones happen over and over that there's a problem. Even bigger is when you can't accept that, yes, I am actually in charge and that things are done this way for a very good reason. One of my folks did exactly what you suggested the other day over something that was actually a very big deal. She told me that it wasn't, even though it made me look very stupid to the client and could have gotten us sued. Honestly, she just dropped the ball completely, then ignored it. That's why I'm currently finding her another opportunity, either elsewhere in the office or somewhere else, because I don't need people that can't understand that when I say something's important, it is actually important. If for no other reason that I'm the boss, but usually because there's a very good reason for it.

 

Jazz, I'm not talking about an employee being disobedient or defiant. I don't encourage that at all. I run a ranch and there's a lot of things that can go wrong quickly. If my workers don't do things the way they should be done, I will raise hell. But I also don't want a bunch of mealy mouthed wimps working for me. I want people who aren't afraid to approach me with with their concerns.

And if someone makes a minor screw up, I don't need an apology...all I need is a "ok boss, it won't happen again." Now if someone fucks up big time, then yeah, they need to explain themselves and accompany that with an apology. But snowy's mistakes were so minor that I think an apology was a bit much for the circumstances.

 

"ok boss, it won't happen again" is an apology. You need an apology, but you prefer one that isn't overt. Got it.

 

And really, my response was more or less tailored to snowy and her job.

 

I know. And given that you don't know her boss or how she would react, it seemed like bad advice to me. Still does. If she disagrees, that's fine.

Interpersonal dynamics in the work world, which is even more critical with non-profits IMO, involve a lot of knowing what is or isn't acceptable for specific individuals.

 

Other than my dad, I've never really worked directly for someone else. I've always been the boss and I don't think I could have it any other way. Leading and supervising just fits who I am, it comes naturally to me. Not everyone is like that. So I guess that's part of the reason why I encourage people not to just cave in when the boss tries to crack the whip. If I'm going to be in the employ of someone else, I need to trust that person, I need to know that they won't abuse their authority and their position of power. Because all too often, that's the case. Power too often corrupts and it gets abused. Just take a look at the world we live in if you doubt me. So I suppose I just caught a little bit of the power-tripping vibe when snowy described her situation.

 

I'm gonna poke my head in here for a second just to say, I disagree with what you said here Jazz. "ok boss, it won't happen again" isn't an apology. There's no indication of regret or wrong doing, just a statement indicating it won't be repeated. I say this or something very similar, anytime I don't agree that what I did is wrong, but accept that it is not the way 'they' want it to happen. It's not an apology at all, just an agreement on procedure or method.

 

Some folks don't like lying.

 

Never had a problem saying that I was sorry. I do have a problem with having to say it so often

 

An apology is an acknowledgement of a mistake, among other things. It does not always have to explicitly express regret, but it's usually implied.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/apology

 

This is the point.

"Okay Boss, it won't happen again" Implies no wrong doing, acknowledgement of a mistake, or regret.

"Sorry Boss, it won't happen again" does.

I see where you're coming from and I see the possibility that "it won't happen again" could imply wrong doing. But I, and I'm sure others, don't consider that an apology. Admitting wrong doing and apologizing for it are two different things. I agree with Baraka that body language and tone of voice could sway this more toward an apology without actually apologizing, but again, still not an apology.

Say for example you're laying out a foundation and to ensure it's square you use the 3-4-5 method. Bossman comes along, sees what your doing, ask you not to use the 3-4-5 method and tells you to measure corner to corner instead. You reply "Okay Boss, won't happen again". Both are accepted methods for squaring a form, he just wants it done his way. Your way is not wrong and you are not apologizing, nor is there a reason too apologize. There is no mistake and no regret (implied or otherwise). It's just a matter of difference in preferred procedure. You're agreeing to do it his way (okay boss), and confirming that you won't do it your way (won't happen again). By the definition you posted, this is not an apology.

Why would someone apologize for doing something right?

..

 

My last job was with a small, privately owned manufacturing company where I was the office manager for 6 years. The biggest problem I was confronted with was the owner's refusal to allow me to draw boundaries around my functions in the role, vs the functions of the sales and production managers. They were given free reign to go around me to order supplies, manually adjust payroll hours and productivity and inventory data, for instance. It was a very frustrating situation that I wrestled with the last few years of my employment with the company. Whenever a mistake was made, the blame fell to me. When it was actually an error I made, I did whatever possible to insure I didn't make the error again. There was not much I could about the errors of others except to gently point them out and suggest ways they could prevent them in the future.

For a long time, I did the old "okay boss, it won't happen again". How could I say "sorry" if I the mistake was not mine? At some point, I began standing up for myself and using the situation to drive home the importance of all of us knowing what our functions and responsibilities were and adhering to them - to no avail - in her opinion, it was just an excuse on my part. The production and sales managers were not interested or willing to assist me in constructing these workplace boundaries. Their rank above me (and lofty status in the owner's eyes) stymied me in my efforts to insist they do.

I think it's important to stand up for yourself when a mistake or error is not yours, rather than doing and saying anything to appease the boss at that moment as it does nothing to improve the business or work environment or one's self esteem, for that matter . Besides it doesn't address the error of the responsible party so offers no opportunity for correction. Refusal to stand up for yourself, when right, makes you an easy scapegoat when anything and everything goes wrong.

I feel it's the responsibility of owners and managers faced with mistakes and errors in the work place to determine the cause and the person(s) responsible rather than settling for someone, anyone to pipe up with "Ok boss, it'll never happen again." The production crew of our company knew this drill as well. Needless to say, the same mistakes and errors continued to occur time and time again. Bosses who feel that an employee who stands up for himself is "making excuses" would hopefully have done their due diligence and know for a fact that the employee was responsible.

I can say I'm sorry, if I sincerely am and if I have done something to be sorry for. It can take me a while to get there sometimes if the relationship is of a personal nature. For me, the stake in my pride seems higher.

 

Retaining whatever ability I have to make a true apology interferes with making a false one. "false one", maybe, not excluding "I don't understand."