Cheap Beer & Amateur Pr0n - A Superficial Analysis by Plan9 (Way NSFW)

NSFW Warning: This entire thread is Not Safe for Work​

​

...on top of being very poorly written.​

CHEAP BEER and AMATEUR PR0N (WAY NSFW)​

A deep, intellectual exploration into your neighbor's personal fuck flicks while drunk on shit swill​

Hi, everybody. I'm Plan9.

Right now, faithful reader, you may be looking at the title of this lengthy post and asking: "Why would anybody do this to themselves?" Pfft, that's easy: because somebody has to... and because there isn’t a word that combines arousal and despair—but there should be.

Let's find one together.​

Here's the TL;DR: I'm going to watch some amateur porn while drinking some shitty suds and, well, do that thing I do best: ramble on. And you? You're going to read this post. And hopefully laugh. And maybe post some comments.

...

Any man that has experienced the joys of testosterone will tell you: There are a lot of beautiful women out there. Unf! You know what I mean, feel-it-in-your-crotch gorgeous. At the grocery store in their vacuum-sealed yoga pants, at the mall giggling behind huge cups of frozen yogurt, at your Crossfit box desperately holding in those painfully loud squat farts (girls don’t fart) that the men just let fly, at your housing complex’s ridiculously seedy-looking pool in their increasingly tiny bikinis and dressing up like sexy lumberjacks on Halloween. Let that last one sink in for a moment.

Now, I don’t get witness their greatness all that often because, sadly, I’m stuck overseas on business trips for months at a time like an emaciated inmate at a puppy mill trading his very eternal soul for a fat stack of that much-coveted Benjamin-faced wallet filler. As such, it’s absolutely fantastic that these aforementioned attractive gals have taken it upon themselves to acquire a $11.95 GrainyTech ™ 2.2 MP webcam, tilt the shades on their equally cheap Ikea lamps to splash that back wall with the right kind of ambient light and take it doggy style on the couch from their nondescript husband all for my personal enjoyment on an einsam Freitag. Seriously. Really, the world is a better place for it. They experience the thrill of exhibition and flaunting it while they’ve got it while I get all the joy that is associated with summoning up some awesome armadillo skin calluses on the surface of my cock from hours and hours of hot-hot self-lovin’. The amount of run-ons I’ve already used in this intro should key you in to exactly how very lonely excited I get sometimes.

So lonely.​

...

If this tangy topic tastes vaguely familiar, you may recall that I've written about stuff like this before...

Exhibit A: Blog - Dat Camera Strap

Exhibit B: Blog - Top 10 Amateur Sex Video Fails that Wreck a Discerning Gentleman’s Masturbation

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I'll be the first to admit that this is a trashy way to generate activity on TFP... but, hey, we're not exactly hopping and popping with the Oprah's book club approach.​

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It should be blatantly obvious that I’ve got a lot free time. I mean, a lot. As such, I’ve transcended the bourgeoisie craving in my ballsack and looked beyond the bouncing tits and half-ass smiles that these video clips typically consist of in order to probe deep—deep—into the couples behind these videos. After all, a man’s senses are never sharper than during the thirty seconds of intense shame that follow furiously masturbating to some other ordinary dude’s smoking hot wife getting pounded for a blistering 6 minutes and 42 seconds on a futon they put together themselves while watching House of Cards. After carefully, uh, documenting what has to be a month’s worth of amateur wife porn, I started to go into some kind of A Beautiful Mind-esque seer trance where I started to notice more than just pleasing proportions of flesh. I started to see the actual people there. And their super weird habits. Their odd homes, their eclectic furniture, their disturbing decor and their bizarre pets.

So, my fellow adventurers, join me as I crack the pop top on this extra shitty beer and embark on some homemade sex video dissection.

Let's begin, shall we? *opens second third (?) beer*

...

How did I pick the subject? Easy, I clicked on the first thing that caught my eye. After that, I clicked on the second thing that caught my eye and it was better because it had multiple videos that I could watch to get a better understanding of the subject, their house and what kind of dog food they feed that nervous little squeak toy you'll see in some of their videos.

Sex w/ 5teph@nie
aka
Leopard Print—All The Leopard Print​

Brought to you by:
Game Day Light, a 7-11 brand Masterbeverage​

Vital Stats & Executive Summary:

Name: Stephanie (probably close to legit, doesn’t use last name)
Sex: Female
Age: Late 30s-ish? Ugh, I'm really bad at judging age.
Race: White
Body Type: Athletic, probably spends a minute on a leg press / squat rack every week
Appeal: Hot, playful housewife thing that evolves into a hot, playful punk/goth/emo housewife thing
Orientation: Bisexual (plays with girls, lets her husband play with girls with her)
Has Kids: Likely (?); in later vids she has bigger, softer tits and looser abdominal skin; she has bounced back well
Piercings: Piercings consist of shotgun’d ears, navel, tongue followed by nipple bars, gauge'd ears and upper lip
Tats: Yes, an interesting, consuming progression of full color Hot Rod pin-up / showy no-way-you-have-an-office-job full color pieces such as the tits-out mermaid on her right shoulder, that Suicide Girl emo heart thing over her sternum, some portrait on her left shoulder and... wait for it... a leopard print sleeve (more on this later)
Hair: Brown pixie cut that progresses to punk girl side-buzzed bleach blond / neon colors dye job
Husband: Shapeless Gumbi with a penis, shaves down his male pattern baldness and ditches his doin'-spreadsheets spectacles when he's feeling alpha (he should, definition of Lucky Fucker, likely a dotcom thousandaire or some quiet corner office commando, probably really good at IT stuff and probably really bad at aiming high fives.
House type: Single story with fancy/garish paint. Dayglo green in the home office, IIRC. Kind of couple that buys a china cabinet (or, hell, knows what one is). Feels like the Carolinas. They have 1-800 home gym equipment in what looks like its own room (which, based on videos, she seems to squirt all over regularly). Also worth noting are the big cat portraits on wall above bed, big cat figurine on nightstand, stuffed cats, cat figurines and leopard print everything (man, she really likes cats).
Furniture: Overstuffed everything, I can see it being bought from a Value City showroom on a Saturday morning before heading to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I've been there.
Furniture Cumshots: Yes, and I wonder if guests know about this based on all these videos; the living room carpet in that house probably has more stray oh!-face sprays on it than a truckstop peepshow booth. Dude's prostate probably has six-pack abs from all those heavy reps.
TV in every room: Yes, typically a giant plasma screen w/ three different game systems and surround sound; guy likes his electronics. Since these videos are like ten years old, I'm guessing he's upgraded to a 72" LED UltraHD by now.
Lingerie: Lots, may have a separate walk-in closet full of the stuff.
Sex toys: Probably buckets of ‘em, and not just toys; they have dedicated sex furniture like those wedge things you see in Maxim.
Pets: It's a fuckin' zoo in there, man. Black chihuahua, white rat terrier, brown pitbull, a cat or two, a pair of reptile terrariums in living room, likely owns a tarantula named Leroy Fuzzyfingers; note the various animal crates in master bedroom
General Notes:
- Lives up to pixie haircut stereotypes in the best possible way
- Bisexual: Started with a pasty brunette girlfriend she shared with her husband, then played with a tanned blond; the earlier videos featuring the brunette girlfriend have been deleted from her curated spaces so we can assume they don't engage in pants off dance offs anymore
- On that note, it appears that she deleted a lot of earlier clips from when I first started typing this thing up over a year ago.
- She's not afraid to spit on it (ladies, take note)
- Really likes cats, even cartoon cats (NSFW)
- Has a serious penchant for leopard print
- House has enough candles scattered around it to be mistaken for a creepy cult church
- Willingly watched the recent Friday the 13th remake... even gave blowjob during it
- Once licked a fresh cumshot off a hotel coffee table, which leaves me with two questions: did they clean it beforehand and did they clean if after they were done?

Walk-Through of Assorted Video Clips:

Clip 1
Title: Mad Skills (these titles all look really cheesy)
URL: (NSFW) Mad skills - Pornhub.com (NSFW)
Summary of Action: Underwear tease / blowjob on floor while bug-eyed black Chihuahua watches from the safety of its gigantic dog bed.
Things to Note: Earlier vid as less punk/goth/emo look. In the background you can see that sweet lizard / turtle / tarantula habitat with the heat lamp.
Beer Status: This stuff tastes exactly like all the reviews suggest: Stagnant urine with *smacks lips* a splash of sour shame. And canned water.

Clip 2
Title: Huge Cumshot (we would have also accepted: Go Long!)
URL: (NSFW) Huge cumshot - Pornhub.com (NSFW)
Summary of Action: Doggy style screw in lingerie over a leopard print chair / leopard print rug. Dedicated sex furniture?
Things to Note: Wow, that's some distance. Good for him. Hilarious part is that while he's firehosing his hot wife for the whole goddamn world to see he says--and I quote--"My goodness!" ROTFLMAO.
Beer Status: Nearly put it through my nose when old boy went with his Leave It To Beaver orgasm exclamation. Seriously. Part of me wants to buy this guy a beer and go, "You were making a sex tape--probably not your first--to put on the Internet and this is how you talk? You're a fine example of a human being, sir, and we should take note of your style." I'd also like to mention that the next time my old lady is polishing the pipe with her esophagus that I'll declare, "Golly Gee, that sure feels swell." Then I'll pull her hair and tell her to keep sucking like she's paying off a debt.

Clip 3
Title: Tease My Cock
URL: (NSFW) Tease my cock - Pornhub.com (NSFW)
Summary of Action: Doggy style screw in lingerie over a leopard print chair / leopard print rug. Dedicated sex furniture?
Things to Note: Lots of tattoos and piercings now. And check out all those cat pictures on the wall in the bedroom.
Beer Status: I think the lining of my cheeks is sloughing off. You know, like if you rinse with mouthwash too long.

Clip 4
Title: Stephanie Showing Off Her Body
URL: (NSFW) Stephanie showing off her body - Pornhub.com (NSFW)
Summary of Action: Half-naked walking tour of the house. Tons of big cat pictures on the wall. Holy shit, she has leopard print tattooed onto her left forearm.
Things to Note: That Simba figurine in the china hutch in their bedroom. She really, really likes cats.
Beer Status: Wow, it's 11:21 and I'm like a goddamn weeble-wobble over here. Good for me.

Clip 5
Title: Beautiful Amateur Ass
URL: (NSFW) Beautiful amateur ass - Pornhub.com (NSFW)
Summary of Action: Rubbing ointment into huge horror movie face tattoo on right thigh (so garish), dispenses blowjob in entryway right next to glass storm door for the world to see.
Things to Note: Wow, it's like the the more money she spends on ink, the bigger her tits get. Optical illusion?
Beer Status: No more. I refuse. My tummy hurts. For the love of god. 7-11 went all 9-11 on my insides.

I need to lay down.

I'll come back to this later.​

...


So, what have we all learned?

—( Stand by for post to be edited live, probably at least two dozen times in the next 24 hours )—​

 

My wife has the same reaction when I say those exact words in that exact situation.

It's involuntary. The things a person says (shouts/groans/screams) during sexual frenzy are more revealing than physical nakedness.

In any case, I'm not making videos.

 

Let it form. It'll be beautiful when it comes. Maybe even shoot across the room.

 

You never cease to amuse. You did find an interesting first lady to start with. I liked her pixie haircut and no tattoos to start, even though she becomes a good skanky look.

 

This comment got me morbidly curious enough to open the first clip and last clip to take a look. Somehow immediately on switching to the last clip's tab and seeing the camera pan up from those shoes I could almost feel exactly what you were talking about. It was like getting a visit from the Ghost of Marlboro Past.

 

You can bring whatever you want, man. I highly recommend that you pick something other than 7-11 brand beer, though.

It's like that quote from Nietzsche: When you drink the 7-11 Game Day beer, the 7-11 Game Day beer also drinks you.

...

She laughs her ass off?

Dunno. Half of me thought the guy was just screwin' around with the audience. I mean, how did a guy like that land a wife like that?

The Desirable Male Attributes of Great Sense of Humor and Fat Wallet are definitely in play here.

Yet.

 

Well I definitely have a thing for short hair. When Scarlett Johansson walked out on the mtv movie awards with her new haircut, I stood at attention. Never cared about her before. She was just another Hollywood girl.

 

Having not linked up and trusting your description, I can only say weirdass house and give thanks we dont have smellavision what with all those pets and candles. IDK, I generally avoid horror and small dogs looking on.
Now big dogs might be another story.

Pass the beer while youre at it.

 

Do tell. And do these games involve kitschy decor and wacky pets that I can observe and annotate?

 

You really gotta wonder about someone that watches porn and critiques the hair care decisions.

What a surprise.
I'm with you up to the shitty beer part. Don't your HOA covenants prohibit PBR and such? They ought to.

 

You mean a woman?

Pfft, normally I drink mainstream beer. This thread was slummin' it... to say the least.

They're not the boss of me. And I'm just as classy as any of my neighbors.

 

Yeah, it's easier for me to deal with writing stuff from observation than it is to read stuff and then comment on it. Especially when its such awful writing.

My favorite part was imagining what its like there after the sex. You know, shit-scooping detail with that many animals has to be quite the challenge.

Dog shit, cat shit, lizard shit plus whatever else we don't know about. I imagine them wearing holey t-shirts and sweatpants, tools and bags in hand.